Middle

As the late, great, Ben Elton used to say, here’s a little bit of politics ladies and gentleman. What? He’s not? Ah, never mind.

Now, the LibDems. Nothing offensive about them at all. And that’s my problem with them. They’re just wishy washy. Beige. Generally, they’re just nice. You wouldn’t want a LibDem with you in a fight. Except Cable of course, he looks like a Silent Witness baddie. You just know his fridge is full of human body parts, carefully removed while the victim is still alive, with his Alexa playing Abba in the background.

They did well in the Europeans of course, getting the protest vote. Something’s very wrong with British politics if the only reason you vote for a party is that they’ve made a decision on where they stand on the main topic of the day. What are the LibDem’s other policies? Anyone know?

Well, ‘HIV prevention available on the NHS’ is one. Free Johnnies, basically. OK, fair enough. ‘Tackling childhood obesity’. Have you ever tried to tackle an obese child? They’re easy enough to catch, of course………..

‘Create another 10 garden cities’. You ever been to Milton Keynes? Do we need another 10 Milton Keynes?

‘Vote for 16-year olds, and legalise cannabis’. So 16 year old kids will be able to vote, but be too stoned to be arsed to do so. Nice one.

And finally, of course, ‘No new construction of anything whatsoever with 2 miles of a Liberal Democrat member’s house.’ Because, the LibDems, for all their airy-fairy, ‘We really careness’ are the biggest Nimby’s of all. Yeah, we need to build 300,000 homes a year by 2022, but come anywhere near my little bit of Middle England and I’ll send Uncle Vince round with his scalpel.