Evening all. [Shout of “You fat bastard” from one of the stag party at the back]

Yeah, I’m the fat bastard who took your mum from behind last night. [Shout of “My mum’s dead” from the back]

Ah, that explains it….. Look, I’ve only got 5 minutes, give me a break!

Anyone watch Strictly Come Dancing? Latest series has a blind bloke in it. They’ve had deaf contestants, physically disabled contestants and now blind. Where do they go next? I tell you, next series – dead contestant. They’ll bring out Paul O’Grady, partner him off with the one of the female dancers who’ll drag him round the floor for a couple of minutes to the Argentine Tango. [Attempting camp judge voice] “Well, I found your performance a bit stiff, darling”.

The King and Queen are in Australia. Good for them, visiting the land where at every turn you could meet a poisonous creature poised for attack. And that’s just the Aboriginals. Seriously, why bring up something that happened all those years ago…..TBC